The darkness that lives in my home.

Recently I had to explain to someone close to me what living with a mental illness is like . This was something that this person wanted to know because they wanted to try to relate,understand or at least try to. It did not take very long to explain .

Imagine this dark and looming figure you unlock your door at night and Its standing there,Its overwhelming presence  like a sense of danger ,It does not speak , but you know It’s there, It follows you from room to room ,It sits where you sit , It lays where you lay and It continues to remind you that it’s not leaving ,not today and not tomorrow . In the deepest of sleeps it can wake you ,make you catch your breath and fill you with a fear that only the day light can soothe . It turns up to your happiest moments and says nothing but its presence is enough to remind you its not going anywhere ,not today and not tomorrow .

I let it stay for many years I have let it dictate how I live . I have missed half my life watching on the sidelines because I let it become my adviser, my secret keeper and I believed in Its darkness and I trusted it when it displayed more power than me .

One day and i wish i could tell you there was something significant about this day but there was not . I was brave and I started to question what if there is more for me ? what if i deserve peace? and I started making changes to live more .

I am now three years down the line … Is life better ? most definitely , does this dark looming figure still life with me? …. yes, and it was right it was not going any where but the difference this time is that he is smaller and my tools are bigger to deal with it . Most days it does not greet me at the door because there is too much light and love in my house now . Every achievement that comes my way , it still puts doubt in my mind and still reminds me that it can pull the rug from under me at any time , but am I stronger than it most days? ,most months? yes .

So if your reading this and you feel the same way know that I have been there , that I am there and when I share my achievements its to remind me that the darkness that lives with me ,will almost definitely be with me forever but at this point in time I am stronger than it and the love in my house keeps the darkness to barely anything (my son and my love) not to mention the army that has formed around me outside the house ,keeps this darkness to a minimum but more importantly, when it comes we all fight it . Check on that someone just a text is all it needs to be . Remind them they do not have to fight it alone.

The lies that social media tell us.

It started with a conversation with my friends. someone we love dearly was struggling they felt like they were being left behind that everyone was achieving apart from them,they came to this conclusion not by conversations but by social media.

Social media is a snap shot a moment in time that for a brief moment people will celebrate you ,will believe you have it all together and not only are you existing but you are thriving.  Do not be fooled .What matters most is that you know there are moments that I can’t share or wont share. Would the post about the daily struggle to get out of bed be received the same way ? or how I fear I will never be enough ?

I post my successes on social media because they are few and far between and in reality the grind of daily life can sometimes be unbearable. I share the good because sometimes there is so many mundane moments that sharing the brief snap shot in time is a marker a reminder that there is good moments and to celebrate in achievements. I share these moments because I can’t believe there mine . I have had a few messages on  Facebook of late after i posted to Facebook about how amazing life seems at the moment and isn’t this your year this year , and as lovely as they are i wanted these people to know ive been where you are and no doubt will return there again . Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and all that really counts is how you behave on your ups how you prepare for your downs and remember that one day the ride stops , so enjoy it live in your moment , follow your timeline because it  doesn’t matter how old you are when you achieve something it’s still beautiful ,still special and most of all its still yours .